dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
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I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
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Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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