so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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