She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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