corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
