i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
