dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says