That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.