FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?