My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho