It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
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The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"