What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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