i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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