I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
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just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
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My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.