she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means