I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
How's work?
Spinning.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
