this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
