If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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