Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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