So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
