He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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