fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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