It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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