I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
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Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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