That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
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On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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