I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
too bad you live with your parents still
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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