I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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