I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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