I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.