when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
