You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
