I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
