This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
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There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.