If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think my moral compass just broke
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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