Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
