I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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