I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
