did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
