I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
