you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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