im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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