I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
