apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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