This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
