I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.