smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records