last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.