What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
