Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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