last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
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this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
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You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??