The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!