Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The police scanner is talking about you again....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
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Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.