I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...