party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
