He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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