oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
