the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
