i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
